I do not pretend, think or even try to suggest that I am some expert on how to maintain a functional relationship. There are however some very basic principals that if they are missing from a relationship of any form, it is doomed to fail.
One person cannot make a relationship. It takes two. Each person can't give 50%. That does not make 100%. Each individual must give 100% of their effort.
100% effort + 100% effort = a relationship that stands a chance.
Now when I speak of relationships, I am not just speaking of the romantic kind. I am talking about friendships, bonds with coworkers and bosses, family. They all take effort. Some take a lot of effort as we try to overlook and forgive each others quirks and shortcomings. But if someone is worth it to you, you will try your damnedest. I'm not saying I am perfect, I certainly make mistakes, but I will move mountains for someone that I care about, no matter who you are, or what form that relationship takes.
So what makes a relationship? The first is probably so obvious...
TRUST
I bet you could see that coming right? So what is trust anyway?
Trust is the reliance on and confidence in the truth, worth and reliability of a person.
Seems pretty simple, right? No, it's is not always. For some trust may be one of the hardest things we can give someone because it makes us vulnerable, it sets us up for the possibility for betrayal and heartbreak. And who wants that? No one wants a life of pain, whether it be physical or emotional? It is so easy to become cynical and jaded with this thinking.
So let me put this in perspective. Let's break it down. Each and every one of us were brought into this world with trust. As infants, each and every one of us trusted the adults in our lives to take care of us. To feed us when we were hungry. To change us when we were soiled. To bathe us when we were dirty. To heal us when we are sick. Trust was not even a question then. I know you may be thinking, well as an infant I was helpless and I didn't even have a choice.
This is somewhat true.
The question of "to trust or not to trust?" first arises when we are let down. It could be something big, or something small, but if someone does not follow through with a promise, it can be damaging. Will they do it again? What do I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen? Become more self reliant? Sure, that is a viable option... if you want to wind up alone.
Every day, we get out of bed and we make the decision to trust in so many ways. Ways that you may not even realize. I set my alarm at night trusting that the man that put it together, did it right and I will be up in time for work. I turn the keys in the ignition, back out of my driveway, put the car in drive and trust that the other drivers on the road are going to obey traffic laws so we all make is safely to our destination. I clock in to work every day trusting that my boss is going to pay me in two weeks so my bills can be paid.
Yes, I saw you do that double take. I did say trust is a choice. You chose to let go of fear and doubt when you put your trust in another individual. Not only that but when you chose to trust you need to chose forgiveness as well.
The fact of the matter is, when you put yourself out there and trust, you will be let down at some point. We are only human, we are fallible, we are learning about life until the day we die. I am going to hurt you and some point and you are going to hurt me. If you think otherwise, you need to leave LaLa Land ASAP or you will receive a very harsh slap in the face from reality.
Yes, I know you have been hurt before, badly. And you do not want to be in that place again. I do not blame you one bit. I have been hurt to but I also do not think you want to be alone in the this world either. As humans we are social beings, we need each other to survive, emotionally, mentally and physically. Otherwise Adam would still be all alone in the Garden of Eden. Lets talk about HOW to trust:
Take a look at yourself first. Are you a trustworthy person? No one trusts a liar. Stop making excuses and just tell the truth. Stop being afraid of people's reactions. This is about trusting yourself first. Trusting you to be who you are. This is more important than trusting someone else and probably more difficult. I do not believe anyone was born to be a liar but sometimes we lie as an attempt to make things easier for ourselves in the long run. Yeah but what happens when these lies come to light? uh oh! right? The first step to trusting others is trusting yourself and being trustworthy.
Recognize that you will make mistakes We are human, we fuck up. Learn from your mistakes, do not regret them. They are opportunities to grow not tear yourself down. Learn and move on.
Forgive yourself Do not hold on to regret and pain from your own mistakes. It is poison and can be debillitating. It will hold you back. Learn from it and let go. Would you want someone to forgive you of that mistake? Would you forgive someone else that same mistake? For some reason, we have the tendency to be much harder on ourselves than anyone else. Forgiving myself has been something that I have really struggled with in my past. The one I have transgressed may have forgiven me and was ready to move on, but somehow I couldn't let go of the fact that I caused them pain, suffering, tears and heartache. I let that be a weight on my heart. That is a lot of pressure for someone to hold on themselves. And unfair to the person that has already forgiven me. All we can do is try to not make those mistakes again.
Trust that you can make the right decision. Trust doesn't mean making yourself a door mat. We all have intuition. Use it. But also be realistic. Is this person constantly letting you down without remorse? Always cheating and expecting forgiveness? Forgive them, yes. But that doesn't mean to need to continue to trust that person over and over again. Give your trust to the people that deserve it.
Forgive Others This is almost as important as forgiving yourself. When you hold on to the things someone did to you, you are giving those things power over you. You hold on to them, let them tear you up inside, ask why, ask why me. Let them go. Forgiveness is the easy part of that. The hard part is moving on and healing. This takes time, patience and space on everyone's part. Just remember, when you decide to forgive, move on and trust again, leave the past in the past, DO NOT use it against your friend, lover or other in the future.
I could go on and on about trust and relationships. But I think I will leave you with just one more thought:
Remember, you can't get to the treasure without digging through the dirt first. Relationships bring trials and tribulations, change and growth, hardship and turmoil just by nature but if you maintain real trust and love, not only will you grow as an individual but as a pair.
I could probably devote my blog to issues of relationships but I will save more for a later time! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment